


How it Feels to Be Lost

by oursaviorkellinquinn



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorder, Fluff, M/M, Purging, Smut, Tour, the entire second chapter is smut, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:02:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21911884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oursaviorkellinquinn/pseuds/oursaviorkellinquinn
Summary: Vic returns from months of touring and thinks everything at home is normal...until he uncovers that his boyfriend, Kellin, has been keeping something from him.
Relationships: Kellic - Relationship
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	1. How it Feels to Be Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve only proofread this like twice...so excuse any typos or errors or shit. I tried.

~Vic’s pov~  
I can’t believe I’m finally home. I just finished two back-to-back tours with my band and I’ve been gone for nearly four months.

Of course I’ve been in constant contact with my boyfriend, Kellin, but I missed him every single day we were apart.

I come to the door of our apartment, turn my key, and push it open. I don’t even have time to set my bags down before Kellin is in my arms. He’s so light that I can pick him up and swing him around without any problem.

“I missed you so much.” Kellin says into my shoulder, hugging me tighter.

“I missed you too Kel. So much.”

After we carry all of my belongings inside, we sit on the couch. I’m beyond exhausted but happy to have my boyfriend sitting in my lap. 

Kellin is kinda winded, even though we only made two trips up and down the steps to our apartment. This strikes me as odd because Kellin is in very good physical shape, but I don’t think much of it.

“I’m starving.” I say, not having eaten since I had lunch on the bus.

“Oh fuck, I don’t really have much around. Sorry, I should have planned something nice for dinner.”

“Don’t worry about it baby, we’ll just order some pizza.”

“Are you sure? I could make us something.” Kellin offers, seeming stressed.

“No, that would involve leaving the couch.” I laugh.

“Okay, I’ll call in our order.”

Half an hour later we’re enjoying our food and reruns of The Office. We can’t get enough of each other after one of us is away on tour.

“I’m gonna go take a shower before bed.” Kellin says, gathering up our dishes as soon as we’re done eating.

“Okay, I’ll wait up for you.”

“You don’t have to if you’re tired.”

“Maybe I’ll wait up...while I’m tucked into bed.”

“Good luck with that. I’ll be fast.”

After Kellin shuts himself in the bathroom and starts the shower, I change into pajamas and put away my suitcase of clothes. At this point I’m feeling the months of travel and uncomfortable bunks finally catch up with me, so I let myself snuggle into my side of the bed.

A few minutes later Kellin slides into the blankets with me and presses close to me. I’m so exhausted that I don’t even pay attention to my boyfriend’s body, I just drift off to sleep.

~

I sleep for twelve hours straight and wake up smiling when I remember that I’m home, sleeping in my own bed. I can hear Kellin moving around in the kitchen and the smell of coffee is strong in the air. Those are the only two things that drag my ass out of the warm blankets.

“Good morning!” Kellin chirps when I join him in our small kitchen.

“Morning baby.”

I wrap my arms around Kellin while standing behind him, pressing our bodies close. Is it just me, or does he feel...skinny...under that sweatshirt?

“I made you breakfast since I fucked up and forgot dinner last night.” Kellin tells me, motioning to all the food he has prepared.

“Thanks, this looks delicious.”

Scrambled eggs, toast, bacon, and fruit sit on the counter beside a big pot of coffee.

“Aren’t you gonna have some?” I ask while I dish myself up a plate.

“Nah, I already ate while I was cooking. You know I’m not much of a breakfast person.” He replies coolly.

“Yeah...well at least sit with me while I eat. I wanna hear all about the new music you’ve been recording with the boys.”

We sit together and talk for nearly an hour, Kellin telling me about the new SWS album that’s in the works and me recounting all of the most memorable moments from tour.

Once I’m done eating we start cleaning the dishes. Kellin is standing at the sink doing the hand wash when I come up behind him again, pressing a kiss into his neck and wrapping my arms around him. He turns around and gives me a lazy kiss, letting his hands roam over my bare shoulders. 

We’re both horny from being apart, so we make our way to the bedroom. I sit on the edge of the bed, with Kellin straddling my legs. I’m already shirtless, never having put one on this morning, so I pull at the bottom of Kellin’s, wanting to feel more of him. Once I successfully remove it I press our lips back together, closing my eyes and feeling down my boyfriend’s smooth chest. That’s when I realize what I’m feeling...bones. 

I pull away and open my eyes, looking at Kellin’s torso. His chest is slightly sunken in and you can see every single detail of his ribcage. His stomach is completely flat and his skin looks sickly pale.

“Kel, are you okay?” I ask, feeling very concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He murmurs, trying to reignite the fire between us by smashing his lips against mine.

I give in for a second, but then break the kiss again.

“Have you been sick recently? You’re so skinny.”

“I’m totally fine Vic. I probably just lost some weight since we’ve been so busy with the record. You know, when I’m busy I forget to eat.”

“O-okay. As long as you’re sure.”

Kellin doesn’t reply, he just attaches his lips to my throat and starts getting us back into the mood.

“Kells?” I murmur.

“Yeah?” He asks, his warm breath making my skin tingle.

“Can we do this tonight? I could use a morning nap and some cuddles.” I lie. I hate lying to Kellin but I feel like something’s wrong with him and I’m no longer turned on.

“Oh, sure baby.” He replies sweetly, crawling off of me and getting under the covers. I join him and hold him close, almost protectively.

~

Vic: Have you noticed anything...off, with Kel?

Nick M: You mean the weight loss?

Vic: Yeah

Nick M: A couple of us have tried to broach the subject with him, but he claims he’s okay.

Vic: Same here, thnx.

Nick M: No prob, glad you’re home with him.

I’m laying in bed letting Kellin sleep for a little while after I woke up. I’m texting one of Kellin’s band mates because I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with my boyfriend. It isn’t just his sudden change in weight, he had been out of breath yesterday after a normal amount of physical exertion. Now that I’ve started studying him closer, I notice that his hair is missing that healthy shine it usually has, his nails are short and almost yellowed, and he has a lot more hair covering his arms than usual. Aren’t those all signs of an eating disorder?

“Who were you texting?” Kellin asks sleepily, rolling over to face me.

“It was just Nick.”

“Why?”

“No reason in particular.”

I feel bad lying but I have a feeling that Kellin is sensitive about the topic.

“Wanna go out for lunch?” I ask, pushing some of the boy’s hair behind his ear.

“Sure, I just need to get dressed.”

Kellin gets up and starts pulling articles of clothing out of the closet while I take a fast shower.

The bathroom smells like bleach, which we rarely use to clean, unless one of us is sick. Maybe Kellin did some cleaning before I woke up this morning. Some really thorough cleaning...

“Ready to go?” Kellin chirps when I come out of the bathroom.

“Yeah.”

~

We’re finishing up our meals when Kells gets a text.

“Shit, it’s Justin.” He curses.

“What’s up?” I ask.

“I guess some of my vocals got deleted, I need to go in and record them again.”

“I hate it when that happens.”

“I’m gonna go to the restroom then we should head home so I can go to the studio.”

“Okay.”

A couple minutes after he leaves, I decide I should pee too.

The first thing I noticed when I enter the restroom is that someone is puking in one of the stalls. Ew. 

I use one of the urinals and am washing my hands when the stall door opens and Kellin comes out, wiping his mouth with a tissue.

“Oh my god, Kel, are you okay?” I ask, feeling confused.

“Oh...um y-yeah. I’m fine.”

“Are you sick? I heard you throwing up.”

“No, I’m not sick. Really, I’m okay.”

“If you’re fine, then why were you just puking?”

He makes quick eye contact with me and understanding washes over me. The bleached bathroom, the yellow nails, the dramatic weight loss.

“Let’s go home, okay?” I say, taking Kellin’s hand. He just nods.

I don’t want to talk about this while I’m upset but once we’re alone in the car, driving back to our apartment, I can’t contain my questions any longer.

“Baby, have you been..like, purging your food?”

Kellin takes a sharp breath, his eyes darting over to look at me.

“I-I guess. Sometimes.”

I reach over and take his hand.

“Why?”

“Just to lose a little weight.”

“How long have you been doing that?”

“Only a couple of months. I started trying to eat healthier, then dieting a little, but it was taking forever. I swear I’ve been trying to stop. I didn’t even mean to today, but I didn’t expect us to eat at a restaurant and I kinda panicked about all the calories.” He explains.

“Kellin, do you have an eating disorder?”

“What? No.”

“Are you sure? Cause you’re like, really thin.” I say, trying to be subtle.

“I’m sure Vic. I’m done. I slipped up with the purging today, but I’m done with all of the dieting and stuff.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

~

As soon as we get home Kellin takes off to work at the studio for awhile.

I get out my guitar and try to write a little music, but I’m distracted by worry. No matter how many times Kellin assures me that nothing is wrong, I’m pretty sure he has an eating disorder. How do you help someone if they won’t admit they have a problem? 

Finally I decide to stop worrying about it. I’m home now and I can make sure Kellin eats enough. Problem solved.

*ding ding*

I hear text arrive, so I pull my phone out of my pocket.

Nick M: Dude I think you need to come over here.

Vic: To the studio?

Nick M: Yeah

Vic: Why?

Nick M: Kellin passed out.

Vic: WHAT??

Nick M: He was recording and he like, blacked out for a minute. He’s up and claims he’s okay, but we’re worried about him.

Vic: I’m on my way. Don’t let him leave.

I grab my keys and fly out the door, running for my car.

We chose our apartment because it’s close to the recording studio both of our bands use, so within ten minutes I’m pulling into the parking lot.

I try to calm myself down as I walk inside and down the hall toward the SWS room. I knock and my cousin, Nick, that plays rhythm guitar for the band, opens the door and ushers me in.

“Why’s Vic here?” Kellin asks. He’s sitting on the black leather couch that runs across one wall of the small room. There’s a bottle of water in his hand and he appears to be trembling.

I sit close to him and rest my hand on the small of his back.

“Are you okay?” I ask quietly.

“Jesus Christ, you guys called my boyfriend?” He grumbles.

“We’re just worried about you man.” Justin says.

“Yeah, you’ve been scaring us lately.” Jack adds.

Kellin looks around at everyone then covers his face with his hands and starts sobbing. I wrap my arms around him and let him cry into my shirt.

“I’m s-so sorry you guys.” He sniffles.

“Hey, baby they’re not mad okay? What happened?” I ask, wondering if I should take him to the emergency room.

“I guess I haven’t really eaten...in a couple of days...” He starts.

“That’s not true, you ate pizza last night.” I argue.

He frowns and looks at his hands. 

“You didn’t keep it down did you?” I ask, feeling bad that I’m telling everyone in the room his secret.

He shakes his head, tears still rolling down his face.

“It’s okay, do I need to take you to the hospital?”

“No no no. I was recording and then I got super dizzy.”

“Kel, you’ve gotta eat.”

“I know...shit, you were only gone for a few months and I’m all fucked up.”

“No, you’re not. We’re gonna get you some help, okay?”

“O-okay.” He whimpers.

“Let’s go home.”

“Yeah. Sorry I didn’t get those vocals tracked. I can come back first thing tomorrow.” He says, addressing the other guys.

“Dude, take some time off. We can track other stuff first.” Nick says, giving his friend a small smile.

~

I take Kellin home and make sure he eats something. Now we’re snuggling on the couch when he interrupts the show on tv.

“Vic?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you upset?”

“What do you mean? About your eating?”

“Yeah.”

“No, I’m not upset Kel, but I wish you hadn’t lied to me.”

“I know, I’m really sorry. I’m sorry about everything.”

“It’s okay. What do you think we should do? You know...to help you.”

“Well I guess I could, like, talk to someone.”

“Yeah, like a therapist?”

“I guess that’s a good place to start.”

“That makes sense. I just want you to get better, I hate seeing you sick.”

He turns around to face me.

“I love you so much.” He says and kisses my nose.

“I love you too baby. We’re gonna get through this.”

We let our lips meet and right in that moment, I think we both know everything is gonna be okay.


	2. How it Feels to be Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even when Kellin was battling his eating disorder his boyfriend, Vic, thought he was beautiful. But now that the boy is recovered, Vic finds him downright sexy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I wrote this then lost interest because depression sucks. So it’s been in my notes app forever and I gave it a little editing, but please excuse any grammatical errors or shit. Thnx :)

~One year later~  
~Vic’s pov~  
I’m sitting on the couch watching reruns of Friends when I hear the lock turn on the front door and my boyfriend comes in.

I can’t help but stare at Kellin. My boyfriend has almost fully recovered from an eating disorder and he’s fucking beautiful. Of course I’ve always thought Kellin is beautiful, even when he was fragile and sick, but now that he’s healthier, he’s absolutely stunning. His naturally light skin has good color, black hair has a shine to it, and his body is once again strong and cared for.

“Come sit with me baby.” I call, motioning him over.

He puts his keys and phone on the counter, kicks off his shoes, and makes his way to sit with me. He plops down on my lap and snuggles close, turning to give me a quick peck on the lips.

“How was your morning?” He inquires, shifting a little to get more comfortable.

“Boring, how about yours?”

“We got another song done. I can’t believe how close we are to releasing the album.”

“Yeah, it’s crazy how long you’ve been working on it.”

He hums in agreement and we turn our attention back to the tv.

One episode ends and another starts and I’m getting bored. I rest a hand on one of Kellin’s thighs and start lazily stroking it.

When my boyfriend doesn’t seem to notice this small gesture, I push his black hair out of the way and start gently kissing his neck, leaving a few hickeys.

Kellin can’t miss this action. His neck is one of his most sensitive areas and I know I’m driving him crazy. 

He turns his head again so that our lips can meet, but the angle must be uncomfortable so he ends up turning his whole body around. Now he’s kneeling in between my legs, running his hands through my hair while we passionately make out.

I slide Kellin’s shirt off and start kissing down his chest making him whine. Suddenly, he palms my dick through my jeans, causing me to gasp and buck my hips a little.

“Do you want to?” I pant, leaving little kisses all over his chest.

“Yeah.”

I take off my shirt and move my hands to the button of Kellin’s pants right as someone knocks on our door.

“Fuuuuck.” Kellin groans.

“I’ll get it, stay here.” I say.

Kellin flops down on the couch and puts on a little pouty face.

I don’t even bother to put on a shirt, I just readjust myself in my jeans so that my boner is,hopefully, hidden.

When I open the front door I find my brother waiting in the hall.

“What’s up?” I ask, trying not to sound irritated. After all, Mike doesn’t know that he’s cock blocking me.

“Hey, I just need your nice speaker to take to a party tonight.”

“Let me grab it.”

Mike steps inside the apartment and I quickly find the speaker.

My brother isn’t stupid, I’m sure it only takes him a minute of looking around to realize what he interrupted.

I come back around the corner and hold out the little JBL Flip to Mike.

“Were you guys fucking?” He asks bluntly.

“What? No!”

“Yeah we were!” Kellin pipes up.

“Shit! I’m sorry, I should have texted!”

“No man, you didn’t know.” 

“But you can fuck off now.” Kellin shouts.

“Okay, shit. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Sorry Kellin!”

He almost literally runs from the apartment, leaving us alone again.

I think we both know that we should be embarrassed but we’re still so horny that neither of us care.

I join Kellin on the couch again, crawling on top of him and sliding his pants off. His underwear are next to go and as soon as he’s fully undressed he readjusts to give me full access to his hole. The first few times we did this he was super embarrassed by this part, but now he seems much more relaxed. He trusts me.

Kellin sucks on one of my fingers to get it wet, then I start massaging his ass with it. Using my tongue I go so slow and gentle that Kellin can’t help but moan. When he starts pressing himself down, trying to push my finger deeper, I let it slip inside of him.

“Mmmmhhhhh.” He moans, his voice low from the pleasure.

I pump my finger, letting it sink deeper and deeper into the squirming boy beneath me until the entire thing is inside his ass.

“Please Vic, another.” He whines.

I feel my dick grow as these words leave my sexy boyfriend’s mouth.

I add another finger, not quite at slowly as the first, and keep moving them at a steady rhythm. When Kellin seems adjusted to that feeling I shove a third finger in too and add my tongue to the mix as well, lubing everything up.

“S-stop!” Kellin stutters, pushing my face away from his body.

“Oh my god did I hurt you?” I ask, pulling my fingers from him.

“No! Shit, I almost came.” He giggles.

I breathe a sigh of relief and push my lips to my boyfriend’s.

Kellin starts undoing my pants and has them removed in no time, hastily tugging off my boxers before grabbing my length and sliding his hand up and down it.

“Fuck.” I sigh, the friction feeling amazing on my swollen dick.

I move to sit on the edge of the couch and Kellin kneels on the floor. He keeps moving his hand on me, but begins running his tongue over the head too. He takes as much of my cock into his mouth as he comfortably can, not pushing it because he’s fucked up his gag reflex with purging. Anytime he’s tried to deepthroat me, he almost vomited. Not sexy.

He continues licking and sucking but removes his hand from the base, moving it to my balls, gently tugging on them.

“Mmm, I’m ready baby.” I moan.

He kisses my tip before joining me on the sofa and laying on his back, letting me get comfortable in between his legs. I line myself up and use some saliva as lube before I start pushing my member into Kellin’s ass.

I can feel him engulf me, he’s always tight and so warm that I could cum right now. Once I’m fully inside I pull back out a little to start fucking him, but Kellin sucks in a sharp breath.

“Wait a sec baby.” He says, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Sorry Kel, just tell me when.”

He wraps his legs around my back to keep me in place and I lean down to softly kiss him.

“Okay.” He says, giving me permission to move.

This time when I pull myself out he doesn't say anything or show any signs that he's in pain. in fact, his face relaxes and his mouth drops open a little.

I slightly change my angle because I know how to find his prostate. He throws his head back and clenches his muscles around me.

“Right there.” He moans.

It's not hard for me to hit that spot with every thrust and I fuck him faster.

No matter how many times we have sex, I can’t believe how hot and sensual Kellin is while he's being fucked. His normally soft voice becomes rough, his beautiful black hair sticks to his face with sweat, and his moans are enough to almost push me over the edge.

I know I can’t hold out much longer, so I take Kellin’s penis in my hand and pump it in time with my thrusts, wanting us to cum close together. Kellin almost screams at the sensation, slamming his hips down to meet mine, pushing my dick harder and harder into his prostate.

I bottomed a couple of times when we were first together, but Kellin prefers it. I think he loves letting me take control and just being able to let go and feel good.

“I’m gonna cum!” Kellin whimpers, slinging his arms around my neck to hold himself upright.

“Me too baby.” I murmur, giving him a sloppy kiss.

As pleasure comes over Kellin he moans, shooting his white streams of cum all over both of us.

As soon as his muscles start clenching around my cock, I'm overcome with pleasure as well. I fill up his ass with my sperm and stay there for a minute, slowly thrusting in and out to let both of us ride out our highs.

“Ah, too much Vic.” Kellin says after a minute, wincing at the overstimulation.

“Sorry.”

I pull out, watching my cum ooze out of him. I'm not gonna lie, it's hot.

We take a shower together and clean up the living room before collapsing on the couch again to relax. I find my phone on the floor, it probably fell out of my pocket at some point during all the excitement. 

I wake up the screen and see a text from Mike.

Mikey: Sorry again about earlier.

Vic: Don’t worry about it.

Mikey: I’m never dropping by again without warning.

Vic: It wasn’t THAT bad.

Mikey: No, but now I know that you guys have sex on the couch...WHERE I SIT.

Vic: Touché


End file.
